"OMG Doug, R U Wearing a Speedo???"

If you didn't notice, 24 of the first 25 swimming Gold Medals have gone to Speedo endorsers (the lone outcast was wearing a polyester leisure suit).

I'm sure the folks at Speedo are thrilled. In fact, they are so giddy that they are planning their first consumer advertising campaign to support the new body suit.

Here's the problem: according to a highly accurate regression analysis I recently completed, 96.4% of all United States citizens SHOULD NOT be permitted in a public place wearing anything emblazoned with the word Speedo.

I actually wore a Speedo once (many years ago) to a public pool and and was held underwater for 8 minutes by two lifeguards and Mrs. Spak #1. Speedos are for people who are serious swimmers. Speedos are not for people who lay on big floaty things and guzzle beer all day.

So, here's the deal: unless you can do the 100 meter freestyle in less than an hour, do us all a favor and stick with the big, baggy, drawstring swim suits sold at Kmart.