"Easter on Tuesday" Proclaims New Text

"Throughout the Christian world, biblical scholars and their hair-dressers are reeling in the wake of the recently-discovered Gospel of Judas.

The Gospel of Judas was among the many biblical-era texts not included in the original canon by Constantin and the Counsel of Nicaea in the 4th century. Collectively known as the Gnostic Gospels, these rejected text are considered heretical by Christian leaders and are rarely found at used book sales. The Gnostic Gospels, which also include the books of Thomas, Mary Magdalene, Albert and Mort, portray Jesus in a more human light with many of the same issues facing any middle-aged guy.

Of all the Gnostic texts, the Gospel of Judas has created the greatest stir among Biblical scholars because it paints a dramatically different picture of the Crucifixion story:

Judas Did Not Betray Jesus: The Gospel of Judas sheds new light on the accepted belief that Judas betrayed Jesus to the Sanhedrin. According to Dr. Martin Schoerson, Head of Biblical Studies and Fashion Design at Long Island Community College and Day Spa: 'The Gospel of Judas introduces someone named Kurt into the Crucifixion story. Kurt, the son of Ephram who beget Barry and Todd, apparently had a number of outstanding parking tickets and may have sold his soul to wipe the slate clean with the local Centurions.

The resurrection happened on Tuesday: Judas maintains that it took Jesus five days to rise from the dead; not three, as proclaimed in the official Gospels. "I always thought the three day story was a little too tidy," said Dr. Ronald McClean, head of Biblical merchandise for The National Hockey League." He added: "I believe Emperor Constantin opted for a three-day resurrection story because he felt that no company in the world would buy into a five-day Easter holiday."

Mary Magdalene was not with Jesus at the Last Supper: This long-standing debate, fueled in recent years by Dan Brown's best-selling novel "The DaVinci Code," is challenged by the Gospel of Judas. According to Judas, Mary was not at the Last Supper because she was hosting her book club on that particular Thursday.

The Last Supper was a raucous affair: The official Gospels paint a scene of relative harmony as the disciples congregate to break bread with their Lord for the last time. But according to Judas, the Last Supper was anything but harmonious. Judas claims that there were problems from the start as the restaurant had difficulty seating the party of 13 immediately due to an unexpected rush that night. There were also issues about which of the disciples would sit closest to their Savior. It was finally agreed that everyone would rotate throughout the evening, although there was still much grumbling. Judas also claims that a number of disciples were vegetarians who complained about the serving of the Pascal Lamb. Others disciples were apparently distressed that only red wine was ordered for the tables. The translation states that Peter asks "Why cannot the blood of Christ be a crisp Chateau Ste. Michelle Chardonnay?" Finally, according to Judas, the night ended on a particularly sour note when the check arrived and sat on the table for what "seemed like an eternity.' It is suggested that Jesus picked up the check in exasperation saying "None of you will repay me." The official Gospels claim that Jesus ended the Last Supper by saying: "One of you will betray me."

Despite widespread challenges to the book's authenticity within Christian circles, The Gospel of Judas is being embraced as a significant find by many scholars. "It's the real thing," proclaimed Alan Peterson, Senior Purchasing Manager of Housewares and Antiquities for J.C. Penney. "Through carbon-dating, we determined that the coffee stain on the back cover was made in the Spring of 33AD. We're thrilled about this momentous discovery and, at $39.99, think it will be a big seller for the Easter holiday."